It’s been tough

Not sure I expected how difficult it would be – emotionally, mentally, physically and even spiritually – dealing with MS and daily medication.

It’s been a lot tougher than I imagined.

I don’t know if it’s psychosomatic but the workouts seem harder. Physically – for sure. Emotionally – not so much. Mentally – definitely! It’s always a little bit of a struggle for me to leave my warm blankets and get up at 5am to workout – but now it’s a whole new level of difficult! I have to really talk myself into it just about every morning and sometimes I am just not mentally up for the challenge. :/

And it is a mental challenge – this MS. Yes, physically I get tired more easily; there is some pain; there is some strange numbness and tingling in my extremities on occasion; and the heat is absolutely brutal even when it’s only 75/80 outside!

But mentally – it can be tough to stay in a positive, outward focus sometimes. Especially during the daily injections – being mentally tough to give yourself a shot knowing there will be some pain involved is just exhausting sometimes. This is why I do my injections at night. It takes me a lot to finally get into the bathroom to do it that I am just worn out after.

It’s hard to stay positive when all the normal stresses of the day, that everyone deals with, getting kids to school, working, paying bills, making sure your toddler takes a nap so everyone can be happy...sometimes it is hard.

Then it eventually will happen. You’ll break down mentally and emotionally you simply cannot handle it and you just break down in sobs, crying for your mommy who isn’t there to walk with you through this valley.

That’s when you ask “why?”

But "why” doesn’t matter. What matters is that it “is.” And you need to deal with it.

Accept those times when mentally you just can’t do it anymore and don’t’ beat yourself up about it.

Accept the emotion that comes and allow yourself to cry and grieve and miss your mom more than you have in months.

And most importantly – allow yourself to ask for help.

Now, if you’re like me it’s not easy to ask for help. We see images of the women who do it all and we wonder why we can’t or why we should need to ask for help. But when you have MS – you need to lose the pride and humble yourself and ask for help.  Just saying that makes me sweat! LOL

This journey has taught me a lot. About myself. About my family.

I’ve realized I’m much stronger than I ever thought I was. And that I’m weaker than I thought. And that we never outgrow our need for our mom. Can’t tell you how badly I wish she were here.

She’s not here physically, but her presence is here and her legacy of strength amidst adversity is here and I am learning from her and about how strong she was during her own health battles. For that I am truly grateful and can only hope my own children will see that same strength in me.

Sorry if this is a downer post – but I really needed to get it all out. Take care and have a wonderful week!